Hey, it’s on the Sci Fi Channel, so it MUST be SF, right? Riiiight?
This will be updated in real-time, like 24.
By next week, I hope to have a proper review rubric so this will fit in with all the other review categories, with scores for “booking” and “workrate.” This week, though, just a basic summary and show notes, sorry.
Despite the fact the show is billed as “Live,” it ain’t. Just so you know. It was reportedly going to be live, but they instead decided to tape it before their SmackDown! taping.
The show opens with Paul Heyman introducing our neeeeew WWE champion, Rob Van Dam.
RVD has a microphone, which is better than he’s done in the last few years on WWE television. Paul E. introduces the new ECW title belt, which looks like they bought it at wwe shop zone dot com. RVD wants to hold on to both the ECW belt, and the mad spinnaz belt he won on Sunday. Edge comes out, saying that he and Van Dam have a lot in common, as they both won “Money in the Bank” matches, and it’ll be an honour to face off at Vengeance in two weeks’ time. Edge punks out RVD, then former champion John Cena punks out Edge while he tries to make a getaway through the crowd. Plenty of random ringside violence, culminating with Cena decking Heyman, then everyone escapes through the crowd.
Ah, this must be the SF content the network was demanding, as “The Zombie” comes out to the ring with generic funerary music. He gets a mic and groans, but forgot his one line, “BRAAAAAIIIINNNNNS”. Sandman, with his new generic music, makes his way through the crowd, no cigarettes, but a Singapore cane. Aaaaand the match is over in about thirty seconds, Sandman spanks Zombie all the way back to the locker room.
Yay, flashbacks (actually, footage from Sunday’s PPV card). Way to take your TV slot and screw it up by not showing original content. Anyway, they replay Tazz’ 30-second squash of Jerry Lawler from Sunday.
Kurt Angle vs. Justin Credible is up next… and ends in about two minutes with Angle choking out Credible, vaguely Tazzmission-style. Angle says it doesn’t matter whether it’s ECW or WWE rules, he’ll still beat Random Randy Orton in two weeks’ time.
Paul E. says he’s giving up on the show’s format, and he’s gonna have an EXTREEEEEME Battle Royal. Every time someone says Extreme, take a drink. You’ll be plastered in twenty minutes, promise. Also, there’s some chick saying she’s an exhibitionist and she’s gonna do her thing later on in the show. As if.
There’s a vampire chillin’ outside the arena. I think they’re trying to take all the stuff Sci Fi asked for, and intentionally screw with it. Oh hey, now we’re getting clips from a HALF HOUR AGO.
And here’s “Kelly,” the exhibitionist. I’m expecting to be disappointed, and I didn’t have the highest expectations for this show to begin with. Nice body, but she fails completely to deliver on her promise to show us everything.
The “all weapons legal Battle Royal” is up next. Five minutes of entrances and commercials later, we’re almost ready for the match, with only about eight minutes of show left. About a minute later, The Big Show wins by eliminating basically everyone singlehandedly, and more commercials.
They’re retroactively decided it’s an “over the top rope” contest, so everyone comes back in. Big Show still eliminates a lot of people, even throwing Tommy Dreamer through a table, which has got to sting a little. The finish is Big Show and Sabu left in the ring, Sabu does a flying leap with a chair to Big Show’s back, winning the match.
Press Release
SCI-FI CHANNEL BROADENS HORIZONS WITH NEW SHOWS
Released by Sci Fi
New York, N.Y., May 26, 2006 – SCI FI channel today announced that they
will be adding three shows to their lineup on the week of June 13,
building on the announcement yesterday of the addition of ECW "Extreme
Championship Wrestling" to the channel’s fare. The new shows exemplify
SCI FI’s commitment to quality programming and understanding their
viewership.
"Research tells us that in addition to wrestling enthusiasts, there is
a strong presence of fashion-conscious socialites, urban youth and
uncomplicated outdoorsmen in our audience." said Bonnie Hammer,
President, USA and SCI FI Channel. "We’re broadening our horizons and
delivering content that speaks to our viewers. We have a history of
giving science fiction fans exactly what they want, shows like
‘Crossing Over with John Edwards’ and ‘Passions’."
"We have new partnerships with BET, the Outdoor Life Network and the
Fox network’s reality TV show division which prove just how well we
know our viewers."
The first addition to the lineup, "Shallow Water Angler", will show on
Wednesdays at 9pm. "It puts an exiting and fresh perspective on the
world of fly-fishing, something that our market research tells us
science fiction fans have been ‘hooked’ on for a long time" said
Hammer.
On Thursdays at 9pm, the hit Hip-Hop and R&B show "106 and Park" from
the BET network will join the schedule. "We saw MTV’s increase in
quality in the 80’s after adding diverse shows like YO! MTV Raps, and
then subsequently more content unrelated to music. We want to pattern
our new direction after their coherent strategy of expanding past the
channel’s name. Just like Music Television is about more than music,
so is the SCI FI Channel. 106 and Park will allow us to connect to the
streets, because we know that’s where the science fiction fans chill,
yo!"
Finally, on Fridays at 9pm, the third season of the hit Paris Hilton
show "The Simple Life" will air, "giving our in-crowd jet-setters
something to talk about" said Hammer. "Research shows that many of our
viewers are in ‘I.T.’, so we decided to give them the quintessential
‘it girl’. Paris, and her intrepid pal Nicole Richie leave their limos
behind and adventure across the country… it’s a fantastic show
because it’s not only entertaining, but it gives young girls excellent
role models. Paris enthusiastically tries new things in front of a
video camera, she’s a great example."
"We’re excited about the new opportunity these shows provide, we can
show the science fiction audience precisely how much we listen to
them."
About SCI FI Channel: A television network where ‘what if’ is what’s
on. SCI FI fuels the imagination of viewers through high quality
original programming such as "Chupacabra: Dark Seas", "Frankenfish"
and "Mansquito". Visit us at http://www.scifi.com
More information on the "Shallow Water Angler" television show and
accompanying magazine can be found at http://www.shallowwaterangler.com
Details about "106 and Park" can be located at http://www.bet.com
Yesterday’s announcement regarding ECW "Extreme Championship Wrestling"
can be found at http://www.wwe.com/shows/ecw/ecwlaunch
Re: Press Release
You get paid to write things like that, right? That was awesome.
I’m sure looking forward to The Simple Life, looks like it’ll totally fulfill my needs for mindless mainstream entertainment with nubile chicks.
Urm, hold on, what station is this again?
Damien
Have you listened to most fishermen? If that’s not SF/fantasy, what is?
Good work, guys. Still, I think any reviews of their non-SF programming would be funnier if we use the same rubric.
Do a tv wrestler’s steroid-generated muscles or Paris Hilton’s breasts count as special effects?
Sharks
is it possible for a broadcast channel to jump the shark?