Hey, it’s on the Sci Fi Channel, so it MUST be SF, right? Riiiight?

This will be updated in real-time, like 24.

By next week, I hope to have a proper review rubric so this will fit in with all the other review categories, with scores for “booking” and “workrate.” This week, though, just a basic summary and show notes, sorry.

Despite the fact the show is billed as “Live,” it ain’t. Just so you know. It was reportedly going to be live, but they instead decided to tape it before their SmackDown! taping.

The show opens with Paul Heyman introducing our neeeeew WWE champion, Rob Van Dam.

RVD has a microphone, which is better than he’s done in the last few years on WWE television. Paul E. introduces the new ECW title belt, which looks like they bought it at wwe shop zone dot com. RVD wants to hold on to both the ECW belt, and the mad spinnaz belt he won on Sunday. Edge comes out, saying that he and Van Dam have a lot in common, as they both won “Money in the Bank” matches, and it’ll be an honour to face off at Vengeance in two weeks’ time. Edge punks out RVD, then former champion John Cena punks out Edge while he tries to make a getaway through the crowd. Plenty of random ringside violence, culminating with Cena decking Heyman, then everyone escapes through the crowd.

Ah, this must be the SF content the network was demanding, as “The Zombie” comes out to the ring with generic funerary music. He gets a mic and groans, but forgot his one line, “BRAAAAAIIIINNNNNS”. Sandman, with his new generic music, makes his way through the crowd, no cigarettes, but a Singapore cane. Aaaaand the match is over in about thirty seconds, Sandman spanks Zombie all the way back to the locker room.

Yay, flashbacks (actually, footage from Sunday’s PPV card). Way to take your TV slot and screw it up by not showing original content. Anyway, they replay Tazz’ 30-second squash of Jerry Lawler from Sunday.

Kurt Angle vs. Justin Credible is up next… and ends in about two minutes with Angle choking out Credible, vaguely Tazzmission-style. Angle says it doesn’t matter whether it’s ECW or WWE rules, he’ll still beat Random Randy Orton in two weeks’ time.

Paul E. says he’s giving up on the show’s format, and he’s gonna have an EXTREEEEEME Battle Royal. Every time someone says Extreme, take a drink. You’ll be plastered in twenty minutes, promise. Also, there’s some chick saying she’s an exhibitionist and she’s gonna do her thing later on in the show. As if.

There’s a vampire chillin’ outside the arena. I think they’re trying to take all the stuff Sci Fi asked for, and intentionally screw with it. Oh hey, now we’re getting clips from a HALF HOUR AGO.

And here’s “Kelly,” the exhibitionist. I’m expecting to be disappointed, and I didn’t have the highest expectations for this show to begin with. Nice body, but she fails completely to deliver on her promise to show us everything.

The “all weapons legal Battle Royal” is up next. Five minutes of entrances and commercials later, we’re almost ready for the match, with only about eight minutes of show left. About a minute later, The Big Show wins by eliminating basically everyone singlehandedly, and more commercials.

They’re retroactively decided it’s an “over the top rope” contest, so everyone comes back in. Big Show still eliminates a lot of people, even throwing Tommy Dreamer through a table, which has got to sting a little. The finish is Big Show and Sabu left in the ring, Sabu does a flying leap with a chair to Big Show’s back, winning the match.