Brian Bellmont (see below) has recently become the 289,004th person to suggest that the latest version of Trek might improve itself by hiring noted genre writers. After all, people like Ellison and Sturgeon wrote a couple of the original series’ best.

This likely won’t happen, but it begs a question. What might Enterprise look like if your favourite genre writer/director (dead or alive) had a hand in penning or directing an ep?

H.P. Lovecraft: the Enterprise sends a landing party to a small New England planet which harbors a horrifying, eldritch secret. Archer will continue to dictate a log of the events, even whilst being devoured by a sea-food-like eldritch alien with an unpronounceable eldritch name.

Stephen King: see above, but the characters will speak less ponderously.

Robert Heinlein: a technical problem will require that the crew make a tough decision. Archer will explain how anyone who disagrees even slightly with the philosophical underpinnings of the decision he ultimately makes is a weak, stupid ass who is incapable of proper rational thought and should probably be vapourized.

Kim Stanley Robinson: the crew of the Enterprise spend a couple of generations terraforming a planet for future colonists.

Joss Whedon: the crew of the Enteprise, as agents of the Alliance, must track down a fugitive brother and sister thought to be on board an unlicensed ship.

Cecilia Tan: After being exposed to a potentially lethal space-STD, T’Pol must spend a really long time in the decon chamber with various members of the cast. More esoteric decontamination protocols require that Tucker experience a threesome with Phlox and one of his wives, and Hoshi receive a spanking. And let’s not talk about what happens to poor Porthos.

Larry Niven: while exploring a remarkable feat of engineering, the crew encounter the Kzinti, who have them for lunch. Hoshi finally figures out what the Klingons really meant when they referred to the Kzinti as “a bunch of pussies.”

Serious suggestions will also be appreciated.