ABC has concluded its two-part disaster movie miniseries Impact, based around the concept of the moon crashing into the Earth. These kind of direct-to-TV miniseries tend not to do well anyway, but does this one do well at all, or does it just fail horribly. You get 2 guesses, and the first two don’t count.

Cast and Crew Information

David James Elliott as Alex Kittner
Natasha Henstridge as Maddie Rhodes
Benjamin Sadler as Roland Emerson
Steven Culp as President Edward Taylor
James Cromwell as Lloyd (Alex’s father-in-law)
Yee Jee Tso as Jared O’Banno
Michael Kopsa as
General Vaughn

Directed by Mike Rohl
Written by Michael Vickerman

Premise

After a chunk of Brown Dwarf hidden in a meteor shower crashes into the moon, gravitational fluctuations as well as fluctuations in the Earth’s electromagnetic field, oh, and the impending collision of the moon with the earth Ensues.

High Point

The ESA (European Space Agency) is actually moderately involved in the plot, and the characters sent up to the moon to reverse the Brown Dwarf’s polarity are sent up on a Russian rocket with a Russian crewman, with mission control being at the ESA. Yes, the plan is set up and organized out of the US, but their justification for it actually makes some sense, considering the circumstances of the plot. The acting of the kids (particularly in act 2) isn’t half bad either.

Low Point

The science of this film is absolute bullcrap. A chunk of brown dwarf of the mass they describe would (probably), do a through-and-through on the moon, rather than hitting it and stopping. They have a chunk of the brown dwarf land on Earth, and it has sufficient magnetism to yank one of the scientists picks off his backpack and have it fly into it from 15 feet away – yet they’re able to lift and move it using metal heavy machinery. The backstop of a baseball diamond sparks… when an aluminum bat is leaned against it (when it’s already in the ground). It makes no sense! What the frak is this dren! The people who wrote this crap need to be taken out and shot. The people who greenlighted this crap need to be taken out and shot. This is a load of Bantha fodder smeared on a HD camera lens and filmed. The script isn’t just stromm, it’s thrice strommed, and then smeared on a page and given to the cast and rest of the crew to film! This garbage is an abomination in the eyes of God, and is the worst disaster movie since The Core. There is no good reason for this to have come out, and I have come to hate the world a little more, just because this minseries exists (*Takes a drink of Rolling Rock*)

Oh, and let’s not forget that they destroyed the freaking moon with apparently little-to-no significant ill effects on the Earth (particularly, with, say, tides).

The Review

Originality: Well, Gurren Lagann did the moon crashing into earth thing first, but I don’t think any of the writers of this show had the good taste to watch anything that good. If anything, it shares more in common with When Worlds Collide, Armageddon (with astronomers and physicists instead of Oil Drillers – presumably hoping having scientists as heroes will have the scientists be too distracted by having them save the world to notice the horrible science), and Independence Day. 2 out of 6

Effects: This is the worst CGI I’ve seen in a modern disaster miniseries. There are games on my PS3 which have better than graphics than this. The flotation effects on people are horrible, and inconsistent . If it’s magnetism, why are people and hay bales getting pulled into the air? If its gravity, why is a super-tanker pulled into the air but not the water it’s in. IT MAKES NO SENSE! 2 out of 6

Story: There are no redeeming features to the script, no rays of quality writing light to pierce the fecal gloom that are anymore than a flicker. Frak this movie. 0 out of 6

Acting: There are a handful of decent performances in this, particularly the Kids, and the European scientist. Otherwise the performances are crap. 2 out of 6

Production: Some of the sets are decent, but the sound effects and visual effects are pretty poor. 1 of 6

Emotional Response: I wanted the moon to hit the Earth. Between Lloyd, the scumbag journalist, the jerkass trigger-happy cowboy general, and all the collected other obnoxious smegheads in this film, I’d say that humanity wasn’t worth saving at least in this miniseries. 1 out of 6

Overall: This is the worst made-for-TV disaster miniseries I’ve ever seen. 0 out of 6.

Total: Impact gets 8 out of 42. Do not let my sacrifice be in vain. If you haven’t seen this already, do not watch it, without a sanity-guard like a Rifftrax commentary. Ever!