Residents in the following cities are advised to take the necessary precautions which include, but are not limited to: Evacuation, boarding up windows, flamethrowers, and marathon viewing sessions of either Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the Blade movies, or any other vampire movie that does not involve SPARKLES.

Cities Under Siege:

  • New Jersey
  • Chicago
  • Miami
  • Seattle
  • Nashville
  • San Francisco
  • Atlanta
  • Los Angeles
  • Arlington, VA
  • Charlotte, NC
  • Minneapolis
  • Phoenix
  • Boston
  • Toronto
  • Portland, OR

A further threat of adding more cities to the invasion list has been issued. You may not be safe. If your city is not listed, you should still consider the necessary precautions. Pre-emptive strikes of batting the Twilight books from the hands of impressionable youngsters is still HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

Remember, friends don’t let friends read crappy books.